On July 12, I was raped by someone who I thought was a very good friend of mine. He was someone who I thought I could trust with my entire life, and I did. He took advantage of my walls being down when I was around him, and he broke me. He took everything I thought I once knew and completely flipped it upside down. I didn’t leave my house for three weeks because I was terrified of him and what he could do to me. I didn’t work those three weeks.
Every night, even still, I wake up, screaming and crying from nightmares and flashbacks. I see his face constantly. I hear his voice ring through my ears. I smell his cologne when the wind blows. And I shut down. I shut down a lot. It’s been almost 5 months, and I thought I had been doing a lot better. I had been. But truth be told, these last couple weeks have been hard. Close to as hard as it was right after. Most days I wish I wasn’t here anymore. Most days I can’t handle the pain, and I disappear from most people. The few friends I have left know, and they were all extremely supportive at first. Now as time has gone by, they’re uncomfortable by it, and no one asks about it anymore. It’s like a thing of the past for all of them. But the difference is that it’s my past and present. I don’t just get to walk away from it like they do. I don’t have that option. It’s a part of me and always will be. I don’t want sympathy from me telling you this. That’s not what I’m looking for. But to understand me, you have to know all of me, and as much as I hate that it’s a part of me, it is and I can’t change that.
I couldn’t have made it this far without the incredible people who’ve stuck by my side through it all. I know I’m a lot stronger than I was 5 months ago. I get that. But especially lately, it’s becoming too much for me. I don’t see that light at the end of the tunnel anymore. It’s gone. I’m broken in every sense of the word. Ben was right when he said I was. As much as it hurt when he said it, he was right. I don’t know that this is something I can bounce back from, or even crawl back from for that matter. “Fall down 7 times, get up 8”… The thing is, I’m out of energy. I spent it all trying to get up, but I just can’t do it anymore.
As many of you know, I’ve been going through a really difficult time these last few months. I’ve come a long way since the middle of July. The good days have been outweighing the bad, just as he said they would, even if I didn’t believe they would when he told me. Lately, however, the days have been a little on the tough side. I’ve really been feeling like giving up could be easier than dealing with everything. I walked into my bedroom tonight and glanced at my dresser. I studied the beautiful plaque that my coworkers gave me shortly after the ordeal, and the little voice inside my head told me that I can’t give up. There’s a reason I’ve held on as long as I have. Honestly, I’m not as strong as I appear to be most days, but you’ve got to fake it until you make it, right? My strength to keep going comes from all of you. You give me reason to stand a little taller even when I want to cower down and hide. You give me reason to get out of bed when all I’d rather do is sleep the day away. You’re the voice inside my head when my own voice refuses to say anything. I just wanted to thank you all for everything you’ve done for me in the last 4 months. I couldn’t do it without you.
Starting in 2013 whoever reblogs this I will write their URL down and put it in a jar. I’m only doing this until Spring Break. When we hit Spring Break I am driving to Florida. I will leave your URLs along the way. Maybe tossing one out a window leaving it on a table in McDonalds or burying it in the sand. You have until then!
This actually sounds completely badass!!
This is like a message in a bottle kind of thing. Very neat!! :)